greenhorn

things staying the same

2011-08-28T21:07:00.002-05:00

It's been five months since my last post, and I am sad to say that not much has changed in my life or in my state of mind. Again, a list is all my poor little hungover brain can handle.

1. I'm writing this down so that I have a record for future reference: I'm not sure if my anxiety is under control or not. Right now, it is not. Other times, I am fine. I need to take care of myself and be an active participant in my health. I know what works for me. It's hard to be motivated to make good decisions, for whatever reason. I need to sleep more, drink less, eat more vegetables, and work out at least three times a week. It's simple enough but I can't seem to maintain the program. Right now I am hungover and home alone, and that always wreaks havoc on my emotions. It's easy to blow things out of proportion.

2. Still no future plans. Working for barely-above-minimum wage. I'm waiting to hear back from the Foreign Service Officer's program, but even if I'm accepted, I'm not sure that's something I'd want to do forever. If I don't get into that, the plan is graduate school. I feel like I'm wasting time in Conway. I couldn't get my stuff together enough to apply to graduate school or law school, and now I'm regretting it.

3. My relationship complicates things. I love my boyfriend passionately, but we're not talking about forever. It hasn't come up, and I don't know how I'd feel about it anyway. I want to things to stay the way they are. But things will change - he will graduate in May, and he doesn't have any plans yet either. We could go somewhere together. We could do long-distance again. Or we could break up. The thought almost breaks my heart. Our relationship is pretty fantastic. I could live without him, but I don't want to. I think that's how he feels too - it's hard to discuss, and we're not good at those serious talks.

4. It's hard to grasp that I may not be on the path to accomplishing any of my goals. I've always desired a fulfilling career and a fulfilling partnership; if I'm rejected by the Foreign Service, and this relationship fails, I may very well have nothing. I have often felt like my life was going nowhere, but I have never been in a position where that was actually true. It's hard to come to terms with this. My life could go in a thousand different directions if I could just decide what I want to do.

5. Maybe I'm going about this wrong. Maybe I should do something and then decide afterwards if it's what I want to do. Maybe I need to take some risks.

6. I am not ready to be an adult.

long time no blog

2011-03-20T00:08:00.004-05:00

Over a year, in fact. Many things conjoined to make me forget about this blog, not least of which was my lack of followers. But tonight I am in my childhood bedroom and my journal (also long abandoned) is outside in my car, so to Blogger I turn. Lots of things are making me anxious. I'll make a list.

1. I turned in my senior thesis and I'm not really proud of it. At the last minute, I realized my statistics were wrong, so I had to run them again and throw together an analysis an hour before the time it was due. I waited too long to start my edits; my project is disjointed and meaningless. I got a C on my rough draft and I don't want to get a C on this one. I'm not sure when I find out my grade. I'm still dreaming about my thesis and thinking about it, heart pounding, as I try to go to sleep at night. I want to go to my advisor and apologize, let him know that I know it sucks. And then I catch myself and realize, I don't have to apologize. This is what anxiety does. This is what depression does. It's over; deal with it. Easier said than done, of course. That is also what anxiety does.

2. I have to make a presentation on my thesis in about a week and a half, in Ithaca, NY, at NCUR. My thesis is bullshit and my analysis/conclusion is largely made up. Am I fucked or what? I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I can make it good. And I don't even want to look at the document that I've spent six months obsessing over. Problem.

3. I'm dating a completely wonderful guy. We lie in bed and stare into each other's eyes on the regular. He's good-looking and smart and funny and tender and I get weak when we kiss. But I don't know where it's going or where I want it to go. Problem, again. Post-grad plans for us? I dunno. Summer plans for us, I dunno. I don't even know if I should tell him I missed him when we get back from Spring Break. I don't know how close I want to get, because I feel like a break-up is inevitable. I'm not very sure of my plans or my interests at this point; I don't want to drag this out because of my selfish interest. I care for him very deeply, but I don't know how long that can carry us. I would also love to hear the words, "I care for you" or, "I like you" come out of his mouth unsolicited and not in response to a similar declaration on my part. A girl can dream, I guess, and his actions certainly communicate better than his words. There is certainly nothing wrong with whole-hearted reciprocation. I guess I'd just like to see some initiative, because it would make me feel safer in falling for him.

4. Post-grad life. Enough said. At this point I haven't applied for anything, but my Facebook friends seem to be getting accepted into their dream programs left and right. This is obviously good for them, but bad for my self esteem. I didn't even apply, but it still feels like I got rejected. I want to do something cool and I do not want to live in Russellville full-time. Those are the requirements. Easy enough. I'm sending out resumes this week and hoping that something amazing will happen.

Condensed into this list, my anxieties don't look so impressive. Be still my beating heart, let me get some rest.

Depression's Upside

2010-03-17T18:09:00.002-05:00

The problem, though, is that as a society, we’ve come to see depression as something that must always be avoided or medicated away. We’ve been so eager to remove the stigma from depression that we’ve ended up stigmatizing sadness.

This article was published on the New York Times website today.

no more secrets to tell

2010-03-08T16:26:00.005-06:00

This article has been posted and reblogged all over Tumblr today.

About the last time in our lives when books have this kind of potent effect on us is in our early 20s, which not coincidentally tends to be the age of people you see poring over Nietzsche or that awful Ayn Rand. There's something alarming about this. I don't want to believe that our personalities ossify so much in adulthood that we're no longer capable of being changed by art. But part of the reason art loses its power over us, of course, is, simply and sadly, that we get old; our personalities, as soft, impressionable, and tempting as freshly poured sidewalk cement when young, gradually set and harden over the years with whatever graffiti passers-by scrawled there still indelibly inscribed in it.

It's a little unsettling. It's true that the books we read as children hold magic for us years after we finish them. I read voraciously as a child, pictures books and then chapter books and novels by the time I was 11 or 12. I loved books, all books - I remember distinctly the first book I read that I couldn't finish. The book was 1984, I was thirteen years old, and it was just too much. I didn't understand the book and gave up after the third chapter. (I read it later, in high school, and it made much more sense then, obviously.)

Even though I loved all those books I read as a child, it's impossible to return to them. If I read The Little House on the Prairie today, it would bore me and I would finish it in an hour. The magic came from learning new things, traveling to new places through the words on the page. But that magic just isn't there anymore.

I've experienced the things that seemed so foreign to me as a child. The books that brought new things to me as a child just aren't relevant anymore. Laura Ingalls Wilder's descriptions of growing up, moving to new places, and falling in love don't convey the same mystery they used to. Instead I read E.M. Forster and Hemingway and Jean Giono. And they don't move me the way These Happy Golden Years did. But I don't think that means my personality has solidified, that I'm incapable of being moved, as this article seems to suggest.

It's true that I was more curious and more naive at the age of ten than I am now. I'm still looking for books that will change my life. It has been a while since I read one. But I think that's because I've been reading shitty books, not because my personality has become cemented. Of course, I am younger than the writer of this article - if he's over 40, he's more than twice my age.

I hope that someday I will be his age, but I hope that I never adopt his mindset. I want to believe that there are secrets out there. In this instance, believing it makes it true.

you're the only proper noun I need

2010-02-28T12:50:00.004-06:00

I have this problem.

See, I fall in love with every person I meet. Not just boys. I make a new friend, and I immediately love them and imagine living together and having brunch every Sunday and planning their wedding and holding their children.

I read about people, people suffering in Chile or in Haiti or in Burma, and my heart just swells up and I can't imagine what I am doing in this rainy city when I could be delivering food packages or bandaging wounds or just donating money.

I dance with a boy in a bar and talk to him until 7 a.m. about the permanent president of the European Council and our parents and who, respectively, we want to be when we grow up, and as the sun rises I go to bed with his number in my phone and I am not sure if he will call me.

I am an intense person. I get my heart broken a lot - every day, it seems. I love things entirely and it is not often that I meet someone who can match my intensity. I have had to come to grips with that over the last few months. After a brutal break-up, it seemed that I was faced with a choice. I could continue to be myself, continue to love things with my whole being even though they couldn't return that emotion, or I could withdraw and moderate my emotions to protect my heart. After the initial tendency to withdraw, I have come to accept that I will often feel my heart swell, I will often love things, and I will often pick up the pieces of a broken heart. Friends will let me down, people will continue to suffer, and boys will lose my phone number.

But I like who I am. I like that I love. I like that I am not afraid to throw myself into things without looking. Sometimes I get hurt. But I think I would rather hurt, because for me the alternative is feeling nothing. My personality is made of extremes. The choice is between feeling and not feeling. I'll choose feeling any day.

This is a song that reminds me so much of myself that it is almost painful. It's a little bit weird but I think it is beautiful. I think I have posted this song, but I have been listening to it so much lately that it warrants reposting.

other towns and cities

2010-02-26T17:56:00.003-06:00

Some days are better than others.

On my worst days, I listen to this song and it expresses exactly how I feel.

I'm not sure what's happening in this video - such is the price you pay for embedding random Youtube videos. Listen to the song anyway.

this bird had flown

2010-02-21T15:35:00.008-06:00

On Saturday I went to a park and it was really pretty. I am still miserably sick but these pictures make me feel a little better.

fever

2010-02-17T19:17:00.003-06:00

Today I have a fever. I spent 50% of today in bed, 25% eating or drinking tea, and 25% laughing/coughing. Not a bad day, all told.

Earlier, in the throes of illness, I had written a poem in my head but I can't remember it now. So it goes, so it goes. But something that has stuck in my head through all of the fever dreams and fits of coughing is the following:

Regina Brett says, "Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present."

My past keeps screwing up the present. It's true. I'm not ready to talk about peace, but as soon (literally as soon - it's uncanny) as I feel free... something pops up again and then things fall apart. I have been trying to restrict cryptic blog posts/Tweets/Facebook statuses, and I don't plan on folding on that tonight. I would just like to comment on fate's cruel irony. And reiterate how cruel it truly is.

In my new environment I have been trying to do a lot of moving on - at least that was my plan upon arrival. But I have been evaluating this lately and I must admit that I have largely failed. I am holding onto a lot of bitterness and a lot of unhappiness. My usual habit is to let these things fizzle out - avoid confrontation until everyone involved forgets why she was mad in the first place, or consciously refrain from calling or emailing because I know my friend will never initiate communication. I have a serious temper but instead of blowing up frequently, I use it as an excuse to never address an issue, especially in my personal life. If we talk now, I'll get pissed. And so we never talk about it. Of course, this is a clever habit, as it keeps me from having to address anything outright.

But my fake boyfriend (incidentally, one of the things I planned on moving on from when I got to Belgium- oops) has this dreadful habit of actually asking me what's wrong and expecting me to answer him. Of course this makes me very uncomfortable and he has to drag it out of me piece by piece, but at the end of the conversation, he knows what is wrong, has genuinely apologized or received my genuine apology when appropriate, and resumes live-narrating the Olympics to me over the phone. Done.

This was a revelation to me - addressing problems quickly, solving them, and moving on? Real people don't do that. At least I certainly don't.

While the (fake) relationship has no staying power, I am beginning to see the benefits of FBF's approach to problem solving. If I truly want to move on, I'm going to have to clean out what's already here.

This sounded like a better idea ten minutes ago when I started writing this post. Probably just the fever talking. Or typing.

For a long time I have been using excuses to avoid addressing things that are refusing to lie dormant. Perhaps the time has come to stop treating myself so delicately. If the last five months have shown me anything about myself, it is that I am much stronger than I ever realized. Maybe the time has come to clean house.

I want a verb and you give me a noun.

2010-02-15T18:08:00.004-06:00

Today I finished The Wayward Bus and I am subsequently experiencing the little bit of depression that always comes with finishing a good book. Wikipedia tells me that this book is considered one of Steinbeck's weaker novels, and I can see that - the description on the back of the book definitely overshoots the content. The ending is ambiguous and I am a little puzzled as I try to piece together what I want to happen to the characters. There is no hero in the book, and no antagonist - just people. It's not my favorite Steinbeck book, but I enjoyed it.

My trip to Amsterdam was, as expected, fantastic. I already miss my BFF. Soon she'll be coming to visit me though! I can't wait.

I must admit that I am a little jealous of her experience in Amsterdam. She knows things to do in the city, she's been everywhere. I am just learning Brussels, and I am not learning it very well or very quickly. Today in my free time I napped instead of visiting a museum or walking down a new street. I hope that I learn to spend my time more wisely in this city. Today marks one month since my arrival - only five and a half months to go.

The purpose of this post is to attempt to kill my insomnia. I have a lot on my mind and an empty room tonight - it is hard to settle down.

in.som.ni.a

2010-02-10T18:57:00.008-06:00

I suppose the fact that I am awake right now is testament to the fact that I am finally feeling at home in Brussels.

This Monday will mark one month since I left home. When I first arrived, of course my sleep schedule was screwed up - I fell asleep, exhausted, at 9 p.m., only to wake up at 2 and spend a few hours staring at the ceiling or my computer screen before falling back to sleep. After that, though, my sleep schedule was more normal than it has been in years. I went to sleep at midnight, woke up at 8, didn't need a nap, rinse and repeat.

I have always had a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. It has become a lot worse over the last six months, bordering on insomnia, but I had hoped that as my body adjusted to a new time zone, my sleep problems would just work themselves out. Not to be, apparently. Thankfully, I have the presence of mind to use these extra hours in my day to blog!

We have been having some epic snowfall in Brussels lately. This morning I was running late for my internship so I didn't even open my curtains to check the weather, which turned out to be a terrible idea because as soon as I got onto the stairs, I was stopped dead in my tracks by two feet of snow in the courtyard, with more big, fat flakes falling from the sky! I had to run back up and put on my boots instead of my heels, but it was truly beautiful. This was before my morning cappuccino, though, so no pictures. Too groggy for my Canon.

My work at my internship mostly involves scanning back issues of the newspaper, updating copy on the website, and extensive Googling. Nothing too strenuous, so I use that time to catch up on my music. I have added approximately 15 GB of music to my library in the last month thanks to various free playlists I find around the internet (this website in particular...) and sifting through all of those new additions has made me remember some music that I have loved in the past but haven't listened to in months.

It's always painful to listen to music after a break-up, especially when music plays a large role in your compatibility with your former partner, as in my case. There are several bands that I'm still afraid to touch because I want to avoid those memories as effectively as possible. This week, though, I finally gave in and listened to one of my favorite pre-BF artists - Feist.

Her album The Reminder was my constant companion when I spent some time in Geneva last May. It contains some seriously sad songs about breaking up, the kind you definitely don't want to listen to if you've just ended a relationship. But today I decided that I was ready. I braced myself, plugged in my headphones, and turned on "The Park."

(I'm not sure what's up with the pictures of parks? But it's a beautiful song.)

I think this is one of the saddest songs I've ever heard. Her vocals are so haunting, especially towards the end. And it addresses a topic that I know does not affect just me - when you're in love, or even just infatuated with someone, you see them everywhere. Any person with the same hair color or similar posture or wearing the same jacket starts your heart doing flip flops. Of course it's ridiculous - why would he be there? Why would you come back through the park? But that doesn't stop us from thinking it.

I hope that I have successfully reflected and blogged my way into a state in which I can (finally) fall asleep. I have some more posts in mind but they will have to wait until after the weekend - tomorrow afternoon I am off to AMSTERDAM to see my best friend. All I'm taking with me is some underwear and a toothbrush - I plan on dressing myself entirely from her closet. Cheers! Bon weekend!

bad day

2010-02-03T19:17:00.005-06:00

Today has been terrible, awful, no good, very bad.

So instead of dwelling on the (plethora of) things that have sucked, I'm going to make a list of things that were good about today.

1. I had an awesome sandwich for lunch today - chicken, black olives, sun-dried tomatoes, spring mix, olive oil. Delicious.

2. I bought a new Steinbeck book - The Wayward Bus. I'm only on the sixth chapter, but I can already tell this book has potential to be one of my favorites.

3. I tried out a new recipe for dinner and it actually turned out okay.

4. I had a lot of laughs with some good friends tonight.

...

Not helping.

Edit: 5. I have a friend who will sing Billy Joel to me on Skype in the middle of Panera Bread Company just to make me smile.

...

Sort of helping.

The Cave

2010-01-31T15:13:00.005-06:00

Right now I am listening to the score of Steve Reich's "The Cave." It's a documentary opera that examines views of Israelis, Palestinians, and Americans on Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar. Steve Reich is a minimalist composer. In this piece, he utilizes his signature style as well as libretto, or spoken word, in this case interviews.

It's a little disarming, but mostly fascinating. The first act focuses on the Jewish view (Reich himself is Jewish) and it's got me thinking about my own views on religion.

To construct the documentary aspect, Reich conducted interviews with Israelis, and simply asked them, "Who is Sarah?" One man said: "I don't judge her severely."

Growing up in the Southern Baptist tradition, I was always encouraged to learn from Abraham and Sarah's mistake - if they had trusted God to fulfill his promise to give them a son, Abraham wouldn't have slept with Hagar and things would have been a lot easier for everyone.

But listening to this man, this Jewish man, say that he doesn't judge Sarah too severely for her actions, even though Muslims regard Hagar's son Ishmael as the father of their religion, I am coming to different conclusions.

It has been a long time since I considered myself to be a Christian. If I can take something from the story of Abraham and Hagar, and from the Bible as a whole, it will be this - you cannot know what will happen. Of course it would have been much better if Abraham and Sarah had trusted God and waited to conceive themselves. It is easy to draw this conclusion once 3000 years have passed. But things worked out. Everything was okay in the end. The Jews have survived, the Muslims have survived - Abraham and Sarah and Hagar and Isaac and Ishmael, however, are long gone. Maybe this too will be okay in the end.

Just some musings... here's a woodcutting depicting the burial of Sarah in the Cave of Hebron, aka the Cave of the Patriarchs, for which the opera is named.

I'm listening to the opera via my friend Jon's radio show... check out his podcast!

state of mind

2010-01-25T16:02:00.004-06:00

Hello from Brussels. I am in love with this city. I don't have much to say - I've been doing some reflection on pen and paper rather than with pixels and lights.

But I am happy here. I am in a good place. I think I have laid to rest some issues from my past - they are certainly not gone from my mind and heart, but hopefully they will no longer show up in my inbox. I am reading The Awakening by Kate Chopin. This is my third attempt and I am really enjoying it this time. I feel some kindred with Edna, and that makes for the greatest kind of reading experience. I am learning about the institutions that I love, and learning about them has helped me realize why I do love them so much. I am listening to lots of great new music. I am just happy, happy to be alive and in Brussels.

Maybe I will post more later. I am mostly worn out in the evenings, and that is the only time I am at home. My travel blog can be found here: http://www.rawrnold.travellerspoint.com. Check it out if you are so inclined; I post there with more frequency.

Edit: Just kidding. I finished The Awakening two minutes ago and the ending is terrible. Terrible! There is more to life than being in love, Kate Chopin. And even if you are in love, you can survive if the object of your affection unceremoniously removes himself from your life. Edna didn't really awaken to her true self - she fell in love for the first time. I know what that is like. And I know what it is like to be treated cruelly by someone you love. But you recover. Things do get better. I promise.

I'm really angry at this book. Edna had decided to live her life free of the constraints of other humans' claims on her, but in the end, all she did was shift her allegiance from her husband and children to Robert. She allowed him to dictate her actions just as she previously allowed her husband and society's expectations to dictate her actions. You let me down, Edna Pontellier.

panic

2010-01-14T00:03:00.004-06:00

Ever since I was in middle school, the panic stage has been an inevitable part of preparing for a trip (any trip). Anywhere within 48 hours of departure, I will decide that I am too anxious to go on the trip, I never wanted to go anyway, I can't wait to be back, et cetera.

I am in that stage right now.

Luckily, being an anxious wreck since the age of 12 has paid off - by this point, I know how to deal with myself. The only thing to do right now is prepare for my trip anyway. I can use the excess adrenaline in my system to organize my suitcase three times, hunt under my bed for that missing knee sock, and type blog posts at super-human speeds.

I know that once I get on that plane on Friday morning, I will be more than ready for my six months abroad. In all honesty, there is nothing for me in Conway this semester. If I stayed on campus, all but two of my closest friends would be gone. I would be passing up an opportunity to live in one of the most cosmopolitan cities in Europe for a semester, gaining valuable experience in (what I hope will someday become) my second language, French, as well as missing out on the awesome chance to study so close to the institutions for which I hope to someday work. I would be missing out on a once in a lifetime opportunity, and for that I would probably hate myself forever.

This, too, shall pass. I know it.

In other news, today was the greatest thrifting day possibly of my entire life. I wandered into the meager thrift-offerings in my hometown, where I have been endlessly searching for two specific items since October, and, voila... exactly what I was looking for. Pictures to come tomorrow. Shoutout to my two followers... thanks, guys. I know you and stuff. Lovely love love.

a rant of sorts

2010-01-13T00:40:00.003-06:00

Why does technology make relationships harder, not easier? What does it mean to talk to a person every day via IM when you've only met them once? What does it mean to text all day and see each other twice a month?

I'm turning into Carrie Bradshaw.

Which reminds me... I would love Sex and the City so much more if Carrie and Big hadn't gotten back together in the end. And if the first movie hadn't happened at all. And if the second movie wasn't going to happen either.

Counting Down

2010-01-13T00:03:00.004-06:00

In the countdown to my (quasi) move to Belgium on Friday, I have made an extensive to-do list. For the last two days, I have been marking out the day at the top of the list and changing it to the next day. This list was started on Monday, and nothing has been crossed off of it.

I am going to land in Brussels without ten pairs of socks, no shoes, and toothpaste.

In other news, I bought a new journal and I am excited about it. My old Moleskine was less than halfway filled, but I just couldn't bring myself to finish it.

I've been concentrating on the changes that will be coming my way in just a few short days, but sometimes I can't help but focus on the changes that have occurred over the last three months. I'm trying to focus on getting rid of those memories and people which haven't proved to be constructive in the past few months. I wish I could put a big "FUCK YOU" on my Facebook status and mention those who come to mind.

I have a bad habit of falling in love with people or ideas or places after my first exposure. I care more about things than I should, and I care more about people than they care about me. This has been the source of much pain in my life, especially in the last few months.

But even if I could change this aspect of my personality, I don't think I would. I'm a passionate person. I get worked up over ridiculous things. I get my feelings hurt when people I've just met don't reciprocate my advances of friendship. But this passion is what lead me to choose my major in college. It makes me care about things like human rights and advocacy, things that make my life worthwhile. And despite all the heartbreak, I have the best friends imaginable.

Where did I get such a heart as mine? I don't know, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

In other news, I'm going to try to be more active on this blog - maybe some outfit posts, maybe some inspirational quotes, maybe some pictures of cute kittens. We shall see.

excitement!

2009-12-18T20:07:00.003-06:00

I have had several things to be excited about lately.

1. I found my camera! I thought I had lost it in August, but after moving back to my parent's house this week I found it in the pocket of a bag that's been at the top of my closet all semester. Which leads me to my second point...

2. I'm home for Christmas break! I can sleep in my big comfy bed without setting an alarm for the morning. I can bake Christmas cookies and watch silly movies with my sisters. This semester was hellacious and I'm so glad to be home.

3. My best friend is coming home in less than 24 hours! She's been in Amsterdam all semester and I have missed her unspeakably.

4. I move to Belgium in less than a month! I'll be abroad for almost six months, soaking up European culture and European history. It's such an amazing opportunity and I could not be more excited!

Now that I have my camera back, I hope to document aspects of all of the aforementioned things and post them. Prepare for holiday cheer galore.

I Need

2009-12-10T16:40:00.003-06:00

1. A puppy like this
2. To live in Miami
3. A boyfriend with an excellent beard

Of Late

2009-12-09T00:39:00.002-06:00

I have literally forgotten about this blog lately. I am in the throes of finals, and while I do often daydream about tights and shoes and hairbows, lately my outfit of choice has consisted of leggings, sweater, and fuzzy socks as I crouch over my kitchen table and attempt to wipe everything from my brain but the International Phonetic Alphabet and statistics.

Rest assured - I will be back, and I will have pictures of beautiful things. Love love love.

How did it get to be 9:30 already?

2009-11-30T21:21:00.002-06:00

Just now I was going through The Art Issue of W magazine to find something to tear out and decorate the blank white walls of my bedroom. In the article about Roni Horn, I found this quote:

"I'm fascinated by eyewitness account," she says. "It's always so perverted, or altered, by who you become. It's so hard to say what really happened. So when I talk about myself, I don't believe a word of it. I'm not a fabricator, but I'm skeptical."

I agree with what Horn says - I've found that it's hard for me to remember exactly how I felt in the past. It's hard for me to remember the motivations for my actions, even if I can recall a sequence of events perfectly. It is more than easy to trick yourself into doing something. I think that a little skepticism about our own intentions and memories would be healthy for all of us.

Zooey...

2009-11-27T00:37:00.003-06:00

I wish I was Ben Gibbard.... just so I could be married to Zooey Deschanel.

Seriously.

Just look at her!

Not only is she gorgeous and stylish... she can sing!!

I have a serious grrrrl crush on Zooey. I can't wait for She & Him to release Volume Two in 2010!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T21:37:00.009-06:00

Today I was lucky enough to spend Thanksgiving with my family at our cabin. The leaves were yellow on the ground, the fire was roaring in the fireplace, the dressing and turkey was perfect, and The Sound of Music was in the VCR.

The Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies. Julie Andrews is (still) amazing, and Christopher Plummer isn't too shabby either. Plus the costuming is incredible! The Sound of Music is such an amazing movie - great clothes, beautiful people, a historical narrative, and a happy ending to boot! And that rendition of "Edelwiess" at the end gets me every time. The costumes are so elegant and the characters are so lovable that it's hard not to wish I could experience that era firsthand (minus the threat of Nazism...).

via Fanpop.com

Julie Andrews is so beautiful. I would love to wear this outfit while strolling up and down the boardwalk in a town in the south of France. I have lately become obsessed with sunhats, which are completely out of season. Sigh. Summer will come again.

julie andrews by rawrnold featuring a topshop shoe

Urban Renewal JOHANN Minky Dress, $30
VILLETTE Lace Edged Mary Jane Pumps - New In - Topshop, $40
Kimberly McDonald, 12,100 GBP
Fine Straw Crochet Hat, 15 GBP

I know that the Baroness is essentially the villain in this movie, but I can't deny that she is well-dressed. I love this retro look - silk shirt, skirt suit, layered strands of pearls. And look at that bow over her left hip! Gorgeous. I hope to recreate this look for some of my days on the job at my internship next semester. I am a firm believer in the power of pearls.

baroness by rawrnold featuring a pencil skirt

Thakoon Addition Draped silk-satin top, $470
Vivienne Westwood Red Label Draped crepe pencil skirt, $580
Jimmy Choo Lewis suede pumps, $495
Thomas Sabo Freshwater Pearl Earrings, 50 GBP
Pearl Glam Necklace | Mod Retro Vintage Necklaces | ModCloth.com, $40

This Polyvore set reminds me a little of something my grandmother would wear - classy, dressy, perfect for attending the opera or a fancy dinner with a handsome man on your arm. I hope that one day I have the opportunity to dress like this - just maybe not all the time.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Thanksgiving holiday - school comes too soon on Monday morning! What are you thankful for this year?

xoxo

woke up new

2009-11-26T01:02:00.001-06:00

This is my first post on my fourth Blogger blog... Yesterday I tried to start a blog on Wordpress, and I just couldn't do it. I know Blogger better and I like Blogger better. So, here I am.

The self is too small an object for perpetual enthusiasm.

-- Huston Smith

Huston Smith said that in his book The World's Religions. I read it for a course during my freshman year of college and that quote has stuck with me ever since.

This is cheesy, but - I blog because I like to be part of something bigger than myself. In the last two months, my life has been turned upside down. I've been adrift. Lately, I have been finding myself again, and I am liking what I am finding. This blog will document my findings - things from my head, things from the internet, books, politics, food, fashion, friends. If you like what you find, too, comment, and I'll try to return the favor.

xoxo